He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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