im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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