in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Randomize
