Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
