And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
