Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
