see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
