I intend to get homeless drunk
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
