now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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