how can u be prego again
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
