my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
