Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
