Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Church boner. Awkwardddd
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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