she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
