i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
