Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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