its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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