im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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