when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
