I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
