Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
