Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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