we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize