He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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