I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize