i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
