I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
