i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
