so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
