You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
