new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
