Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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