I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize