Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
