There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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