i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
