he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
