i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
