DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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