Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
