So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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