hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
