dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
