: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
