my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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