You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
