chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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