We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
