my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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