I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
