Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
