The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
