Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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