My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm too high and old for this...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
