Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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