dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
