She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
