The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
