Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
