im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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