Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
