Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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