New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
