anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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