I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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