For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Everclear isn't food dammit
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize