i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
