i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
