i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
