dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I love you. Go after that dick
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