wat bout pragnant strippers??
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
