Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
