a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
