I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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