We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
