You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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