I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
