Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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